What? No juice from real live cacti?

I distinctly remember my father telling me when I was little that Cactus Cooler soda had cactus juice of some kind in it... I remember him going on and on about how if you were stranded in the desert, with nothing to drink and mirages everywhere tempting your thirst, you could cut open a cactus (because everyone has pocketknife with them when they are spontaneously stranded in the desert) and drink its juice.

I remember the visual he painted for me... a poor old man, dragging his almost-lifeless body over the desert sand, gasping for breath, sand whipping into his mouth with the desert wind and then, suddenly, as if a ray of sunshine beamed down, sent by God himself, a cactus appeared in front of the man, green, strong, full of sweet-tasting liquid... as if to say "Drink me and live!"

You get the visual too, right?

While at the BevMo today, I happened upon some Cactus Cooler and thought, "Now that will quench my thirst!" Out of curiousity, or maybe just to confirm the presence of cactus juice, I scanned over the can to read the fine print, the ingredients list, something to tell what what type of cactus juice was included because SURELY there must be some...

Then, I found what I was looking for. The subscript below the name on the can said "Orange-Pineapple Soda." Where does the Cactus come into play? What do oranges and pineapples have to do with the old, thirsty, stranded man in the desert? Don't pineapples only grow in tropical climates?

Then it dawned on me.
I'd been duped.

Despite the second's worth of disappointment I felt, I bought the soda anyway, and let me tell you, it was worth every penny. I won't be packing it for my next hiking trip to Joshua Tree, but it was cold and sweet and juuuuust fiiiiiine.